I’m sure I’ve written about this or perhaps I haven’t. But I have spoken it to close friends many times. If I know 2 things about my relationships with God and what He has called me to do, it is to connect with people and to write. When I am deep in prayer, that is what He gives me time and time again.
Simple enough, right? Wrong. I fill in that ask with something more frilly and shiny that I like better. Why would I write and connect when I can XYZ? I get hung up on judgement from others and my biggest hang up is not being good enough. What if I don’t know as much as she does? What if I get it wrong and mess it all up? I have no credibility because I am so new to faith, how can I influence?
For 31 years of my life, if I have perfected one thing, it is to wing it. Sometimes I fail, but most of the time I am pretty good at it. In fact, I succeeded in college pretty well just by winging it 90% of the time. I was learning about stuff that I loved and I absorbed the information easily. When it comes to my faith and creating new relationships, this whole winging it tool has come in pretty handy at times! lol
Today, I sat in week 3 of a new class I have the privilege of leading and a new woman in my life and as of this week, new sister in Christ was thanking me for connecting with her and answering questions she didn’t know she had or even knew how to ask. I am a very blunt and open person and I try my hardest to do it with love and grace but most of the time I feel like I fumble and do it with judgement and persecution. This person reminded me of the path God has asked me to follow. Not many know this but I do A LOT of behind the scenes connecting with women. For the past couple of years I have helped women through some really tough times and I have heard it all from infidelity, to unplanned pregnancies, to heartache, to death, love, loss… you name it.
So here I sit, this past week in probably one of the deepest bouts of depression I have ever dealt with. I won’t go into detail but it was so bad it was scary. Thankfully I was able to snap out of it very quickly and do what I knew I needed to do before it got so bad, but was too stubborn to actually do it. Leading up to these 2 days of dark, I had spend a lot of time thinking what I was good at. What was my purpose. What am I here for. Why do I exist. I have friends who are so good at things and I feel mediocre at best. If someone looks at me, what do they think I am good at? On a typical day, I do not base my value off the opinion of others, but for a few days I thought long and hard about it. I am sure Danny has a list 3 pages long but because he’s my husband and he has to say nice things, he doesn’t count. I am only kidding! lol
Write Cassie. That is what I am asked to do. But God, how can I write if I don’t even know a whole book in the bible? Who wants to read from a girl who knows nothing? I have nothing worth saying, that is worth listening to.
I put the kids to bed this evening and I was taken back to the conversation this morning with my new sister and it hit me like a TON of bricks. People reach out to me because I am open and honest with my life, the ups and the downs. I have been lost more times that I can count and I let others in on that and help them find the light through my mess. God has asked me to write, not to lead those who know but for those who don’t. I am blessed to connect with new believers all the time and I have guided many on their next steps. Listen guys, a lot of CRAZY things happen after you start that relationship with Christ and most times, we are left on our own trying to figure out what is what. And because we don’t even know what’s going on, we don’t know what to ask or even who to ask. Church A says this. Church B says this. Social Media says this. There is so much noise in world, who/what/where/when/how do we connect? What’s real? What’s right? Who’s right? Feeling overwhelmed? Yeah! That’s what it feels like to be a new believer. Overwhelmed.
Wow, ok I rambled on WAY longer than I planned. And I know I have about the same 5 people that read my blog but as we come upon the advent season, what better way to help new believers understand who/what/where/when/why than now? My plan is to dig through it all and help YOU and/or anyone you think might need it, to take those first steps this CHRISTmas season. From the perspective of a busy mom of 3 and a new believer who doesn’t know a whole lot but is crazy in love with Christ and has a deep deep yearning to know more.
I don’t know much about blogging, but my plan is to learn how to restructure some things so that this site can be a learning tool for anyone who might need it. Stay tuned in the coming days because God is giving me a plan and I am excited to put it into action!