I Give Up

I found myself in the middle of the grocery store arguing with God this afternoon. I had taken a short cut through the store and the aisle that I walked down had one blank sketchbook sitting on the shelf. I didn’t go down the fabric or card aisle. Nope. I went down the one I was unknowingly directed to.

 A friend of mine has mentioned the last two times that I had seen her, that she has meant to pick one up to start her own prayer journal but hasn’t yet. As soon as I locked my eyes on the last remaining book, I heard God say ‘Grab that for Shondell’. I kept walking. The voice got louder and stronger. I was literally stopped in my tracks. ‘Turn around and buy that for her!’ I then started arguing with God, as if I was going to win. ‘She probably already has one’, I said. He responded, ‘And if she does, now you have an extra one. Go back and get it for her.’ I then did this weird salsa looking dance in the middle of the store as my body turned back towards the sketchbook and then back to my cart about 3 times. I was frozen and stuck between a selfish desire and obedience. I started laughing to myself. I am in the middle of the grocery store arguing with God over paper. What am I doing? I grabbed the book and went on my way. 

Two Sundays ago, I asked God to help me be more obedient. It is something I struggle with and I know it’s where I need fine tuning. I go about my day thinking, ‘I got this’. I am a strong mother, wife and women. I can handle whatever is thrown my way. Until I can’t. Then in my moment of weakness, I pray to God asking him to help me through whatever stronghold I am facing that day. But that is not the relationship that God desires to have with me. He desires my full attention through the good and the bad. He wants me on bended knee begging for help and in moments when my hands are raised high in celebration and praise. It is not fair that I let God be my shield when I find it most suitable. 

Isaiah 1:19 – ‘If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land;’ 

I am willing but I am not obedient. I can’t have one or the other. I do not have the right to expect and appreciate His love and all He has to offer if I am only giving half of myself and what He asks of me. 

In the coming days, weeks and months, I am happy to bring on the challenges as I know He has great things planned for me and it starts with being obedient. 

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